Don't Read This. It's Kind of Pathetic.

I'm a little cranky and probably a little cray cray.

I miss having time to do things I want to do and it makes me sad that when I only have two or three hours before work, after I wake up, that I find it easier to sit and wallow than I do to do...I don't know, something else. Something more interesting and worth while.

The nice weather almost puts me in a worse mood. Is this possible?

The rain today makes me think of Camp Lake Hubert, where I spent 11 amazing summers as a wee lass. Just a light sprinkling to remind us that not all days can be sunny, although I'm sure they try. I love the dark clouds. A little tree rustle and some halyards banging against masts, and I'd be back to the woods of MN.

I was cranky about so much more when I started writing this. I think I'm still pretty cranky, but this probably isn't the forum for the discussion of it.

I want time off from work. I want to do something else. Maybe I want to leave New York? I'm feeling really antsy and pretty unsatisfied.

For now, I'll try to find serenity on my fire escape and joy in playing through my iPod on shuffle.

(Following in my mother's example, now I must atone for that crappy negativity above and be grateful for somethings. Here goes: I'm grateful for deoterant. Winter sweaters; the time I've spent on sailboats; maps (especially old ones and ones that depcit things like populations and other demographics and facts). I'm grateful for facts. For good music other people make. I'm grateful for showers-especially the outdoor one at Pipe Lake and that one shower I had in Costa Rica in the Cloud Rainforest. It was always cold-freezing, actually, since it was rainwater and we only had electricity for 90 minutes a day at dusk and thusly no heating mechanism. I'm also grateful for that guy who was there at the same time we were from the Discovery Channel. He was doing a documentary on Umbrella birds and took us, at 4am, on one of his missions to see them. They puff out their red waddles (I think the males, only) as part of their mating ritual (maybe that's what I need, a red waddle), their songs are incredible. I'm really grateful there's a huge world out there to explore and very hopeful that one day I'll be in a position to explore it and know all that I can possibly know about it.)
The Umbrella Bird

I'm still not in a good mood, but usually being grateful helps.