Tired and...

Yes, I'm cranky.

A food runner at work came up to me tonight and said, "Susie, you look tired." My response, which I still believe to be appropriate, was, "fuck you." He said, "maybe not tired, but lethargic."

At least he's observant. I'm so f'ing bored and the paperwork is now overwhelming and still, few benefits. Celebrity sightings and watching other people spend money is only so satisfying. I am learning a lot. I've been saying that phrase for 9 months now. I could have had a baby in the last nine months, but instead, "I've learned a lot." (Truly, I do NOT want to have a baby, in case that's what came across-I am merely trying to say how productive I COULD have been.)

ANYWAY.

I'm going to California on Thursday. Welcome to mixed feelingsville. I'm very excited to get back to the Bay Area: hopefully see some old friends, soak in the vibe, and have a road trip to the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas and DEFNITELY have brunch at Lynn and Lu's on Grand Ave in Oakland. The best huevos rancheros EVER. I'm going to see my grandfather who is in the process of dying. I'm excited to be with him, and my aunt will be there, too. That should explain all the mixed feelings. I'm excited to drive for a few hours...all alone. New York is not a fan of letting you be alone. I need to be alone for a second.

That was the space that visting Michelle and Adam in Miami a few weeks ago allowed me. I was with them, but I got to be alone, some. In a new environment. That time shed light on what I was doing in my life and how I could change it. I am feinding for the hours in a rental car with me, my iPod and me. Bare foot and driving. Having revelations and making action plans left and right.

Ironically and stupidly, I just wish there was someone special I wanted to be alone with.

See what I'm saying?

On I go. Back to work soon. 6 days straight to earn 4 days off. What am I doing?

My brother just set sail today from Hawai'i to Alaska. Is it possible to be lonely for someone because they've left the continent? Or maybe it's beacause I just saw him last week and miss him anyway. I will wish him well every day for the next six weeks. I won't be able to talk to him for six weeks. I miss him already.