Ciao Wisconsin!

It's been lovely, it's been nice, off I go to another paradise.

The decision was made a couple days ago that I'll be going back to New York City for New Year's Eve. I'll be with friends and we'll be rockin out, no doubt, at some house parties. Rob's driving me to the airport tomorrow morning and I'll be on my way to JFK, then Chelsea via Williamsburg.

I got a bit emotional today. I came to the conclusion that almost only out of desperation, I should undoubtedly move back to Minnesota. I'm nervous and scared about money, which I should and shouldn't be. I was talked out of a tree by the fine friend who I'll be ringing in the new year with. He asuaged my fears momentairly, but Susie is going to have to become a woman of some pretty serious action this week. I know I can do it, but fear of failure, lack of faith in the future and "why" are things that consistently prohibit progress for me.

I was thinking, the things I want to do, prevent spread of disease, hunger and ill planned disaster relief projects, perpetuate the very thing I think would alleviate so many of the world's issues: over population. That's a discussion for off the blogosphere, I suppose.

Rob took us on a lovely drive this afternoon, on which I got to do some thinking. We also saw a gorgeous American Bald Eagle and his/her baby (BIG baby) sitting in a tree which is really an amazing treat. I thought of some things that would make me very happy being in Minnesota. Roughly: 1) My folks 2) Kate (and her extended brand of folks) 3) Emma and Adam 4) The cabin 5) biking as my main form of transportation 6) my network of successful women (some men) who comprise my folk's friends who would talk to me til they're blue in the face about what I want to do and how to do it. 7) money 8) Knowing all the streets.

I started to think of all the things I'd miss about New York and I started to cry. I love it. It would take bits of my heart to leave it. I do know, though, please believe me, that my departure is a distinct possibility. I know I can be happy anywhere, but I want to be happy there...for a little while longer at least. Please?

Off to sleep, then to try to make it in New York on my terms. Thanks for loving me regardless of my philandering, Minnesota and Wisconsin. I appreciate your willingness to have me back.

Happy New Year near and dear!

Chinese Translation by M. Ward from "Post-War" (I highly recommend the whole album)

I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met a old, old man
beneath a weeping willow tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

See I once was a young fool like you
afraid to do the things
that I knew I had to do
So I played an escapade just like you
I played an escapade just like you
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
he sat beneath a sapling tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he played for me this song

Rollercoaster by M. Ward

Rollercoaster, can't find my friends on the ground
Just lift me up and send me spiralling down
Because you lift me up so high high high
It's the most unbelievable ride

Absolute Lyrics

Today Is the Greatest Day I've Ever Known

Not for any particular reason. But don't you find it more satisfying to live every day and believe every day is the greatest? It makes life so...great. Cause it's a choice, right? Every minute of every day, how you're going to do it, deal with it, love it or hate it. And hate is, in general, a waste of time. Sometimes a good mechanism for self defense, but mostly a severe waste of the prescious time we have here on this lil' planet that's slowly, but surely, melting away, only to freeze us back into an ice age we cannot even concieve of with the information we have in the history books so far. We have an idea, but no real idea. No first hand experience. Just fossils of things that were frozen in time. Which is what we, or our children, or our children's children and their domesticized animals will be.

It's not depressing, really. Just what is.

I'm in No. Wisconsin again and these are the things that cross my mind as I drive and see no snow on the fields. Or industrial (a.k.a. mass) farms along side the road. We know those aren't good for community's water systems. I believe it's not good to eat meat form them for a myriad of reasons. One of which is that you're eating fear. And fear, no matter what body it's in, is transfered from being to being. And no matter how indominable your spirit, no one single human being can absorb that. It's accumulated and whether it's from the chemicals the animals on whom we feed are fed or from the negative energy they harbor through their lives into their deaths, we get cancer. And we die painful, medicated deaths.

It's not really depressing. Just what is.

I think about this stuff a lot when I'm around my family. They've been with me on my vegetarian crusades (I'm not currently on one, but writing this reminds me why I might think I should be) and on my anti industrial farming bouts and pro community, local food campaigns (which I'm always on. I'm a true believer.).

I need to learn to farm. And do for myself and my family, because this system we're in, it's not going to last. It's unsustainable and our food stores in this country are inadeqate to sustain our nation's human population. Simply, the diversity of the food we farm is inadequate. Swaths of corn, potatoes; mega farms of pig, cow and chicken. Soy beans. The corn is fuel grade, not edible. If we come to dire straights, and we wll, we are screwed.

This is why I wanted to buy The Wilma in Missoula. But I can't do that. I don't have $5M to throw down. I would loooove to though. Love to foster a politicized community; have my own farm that sustains me and those close to me; be near fresh(er) water sources.

II

Today I had lunch with an old mentor. A woman who taught me in a program at Planned Parenthood for peer education, which I mentioned in a previous post. She really opened my mind up to some ideas I'd kind of shed as I got older, or to where I've come. It was really inspiring.

1. Peace Corps
2. World Health Organization
3. United Nations
4. Red Cross
5. "Think big. You've made this many rash decisions so far, don't go half assed."

Great advice, Jenny, thank you.

So I have a whole new revived energy for this...again. I love the idea of the Peace Corps. In Latin America. I come home bi-lingual, with credit going toward a graduate degree, sustained, on the ground professional and meaningful experience. A two year committment. What do you think of that? I'd come home, likely when I'm 29. 29 years old, friends. 29 years old.

III

Great books have been introduced to me. American Religious Poems compiled by Howard Bloom is the running favorite. And I started Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close and was laughing out loud at a small U of MN bar today while I waited for Jenny (II). On page 10 and looking forward to more. Favorite bits so far (raions d'etre "reason for being" in French.):

-In context: little boy riding to the cemetary, presumably for his father's funeral, with his mother. "She was wearing the bracelet that I had made for her, and that made me feel like one hundred dollars. I love making jewelry for her, because it makes her happy, and making her happy is anohter one of my raisons d'etre."
-"because entomology is one of my raisons d'etre"
-"She was obviously mad at me, but I didn't know why. I hadn't done anything wrong. Or if I had, I didn't know what it was. And I definitely didn't mean to do it."
-"But I still couldn't figure out what it all meant. The more I found, the less I understood."

III.II

My mom loves Billy Collins. (I think it's hilarious that I just opened to "Victoria's Secret" which is the author's rendition of his experience flipping through a Vici Seci catalogue.) It's fun to read a poet who's living in the same times we are so the cultural references mean a little more. You're not stretching to understand; you're identifying.

IV

My dad has several nicknames for me, some of which are not in use. All I can remember are listed below:

1. Bubbles
2. Noodle Person
3. Sooz a doodle
4. Schnookums
5. Bunny

That's all I can think of at the mome.

V

What else?

VI

What not?

VII

I tried to think of a haiku on my drive past my old house today.

It was in a room
hidden in the back of the
house I part of you

It came easier this time.

VIII

I do not actually know Roman Numerals.

IX

I think this is the most appropriate Billy Collins poem, considering the title of this post:

The Only Day In Existence

The early sun is so pale and shadowy,
I could be looking up at a ghost
in the shape of a window,
a tall, rectangular spirit
looking down at me in bed,
about to demand that I avenge
the murder of my father.
But the morning light is only the first line
in the play of this day--
the only day in existence--
the opening chord of its long song,
or think of what is permeating
the thin bedroom curtains

as the beginning of a lecture
I will listen to until it is dark,
a curious student in a V-neck sweater,
angled into the wooden chair of his life,
ready with notebook and a chewed-up pencil,
quiet as a goldfish in winter,
serious as a compass at sea,
eager to absorb whatever lesson
this damp, overcast Tuesday
has to teach me,
here in the spacious classroom of the world
with its long walls of glass,
its heavy, low-hung ceiling.

X

Good night!

It Hath Arrived

Oh, what glorious days. We're up at the cabin in a flurry of activity: cooking, tree setting up, light hanging, music listening, sauce making, salmon smoking, oyster shucking, hot tub taking craziness. I prefer it, as you know, no other way.

This morning I woke up to my dad (Bob) summoning my brother (Rob) to come make us the pancakes he'd promised us the night before. "Pancake man! Where's the pancake man?" Then my mother joins in chorus...then I roll out of bed and want my damn pancakes, too. So, I join in. This, my friends, is what I consider fun.


Mom (Peggy/Margaret) enjoying said whole wheat pancakes; Pancake Man and Dad (bacon man) in the kitchen

The advent of my unemployment brought on the possibility of LOTS of time at the lake (a now mostly frozen lake). Christmas eve here with my folks, mom's sister, dad's brother and his wife, four of their five children, their partners and their children. We have kids, one a year from 14 to 3. Some of them aren't here this year, but the chaos is sure to ensue...Now they've all departed and I'm back with an update: it was a really really pleasant chaos. Last night we all went to dinner together and it kind of served as a rehearsal dinner. We all got to catch up a little, break the ice, remind the kids who I am, cause they really don't see me a lot at all. And today went really smoothly and was really, truly pleasant.


The dinner crowd: 13 adults and 7 kids under 15 years old in a photo I took...I cut off the people on the left (Dad and Michael...oops!)

We eat oyster stew, by my uncle Bill and tonight we had a romaine, spinach and strawberry salad. I don't eat either of these things (please don't tell Uncle Bill!). I eat APPETIZERS. Smoked salmon, shrimp cocktail (which my brother reminds me often the farming of which severly debilitates mangroves in South America), cocktail weiners and meatballs in BBQ sauce, crudites...I think that was it. But it's a LOT. Oh, and Summer Sausage and cheese...we are in Wisconsin after all.


OH! And oysters on the half shell. My cousin Bill(y) shucks them and...eats them :) HUGE Whitlock tradition here, folks. I had my first raw oyster when I was 12. I haven't had many since, but I hope to cultivate a taste for them someday.

Then for dessert, we eat homemade chocolate ice cream. Made by my gourmet dad...


My first cousin once removed, Ethan, son of Bill and Serena (Bill, who's my cuz) sampling the goods. The paddle stirs the chocolate (or strawberries or peaches or whatever Bob wants) and cream into a frozen piece of heaven.


Cleaning oyster shells out of the sink! Susie, cuz Bill, dad Bob, cuz Anne and brother Rob


What dinner really looked like...dim as the sun went down. The "icicle" holiday lights are up cause my mom likes them--actually, we all do.

And now, totally gratuitous cute child moment:

Rob and Reece; Reece with fire gloves on!


Reece with a mini billows (is that the right word? The thing to blow air on the fire for you).


Reece in BIGGER fire gloves giving his "I'm dead serious" look (which inevitably ends in a huge smile and cackle).


Reece totally hamming it up. He's carrying a log in the fire gloves. The gloves go above my dad's elbow and they CONSUME Reece. This child is HILARIOUS.


Reece two years ago at Wildwood.

We have two "gift games" we play with our larger family. The first, which we did tonight, is "self gifts". You buy yourself whatever you want, we all wrap it in the same paper (because my aunt Susan is like a magician with wrapping paper and it's a dead give away) and put the gifts in a pile. We pick numbers and start unwrapping. The fun part is that you have to guess who's bought what for themselves. Uncle Bill, a rain gague; Rob, a bike seat post; Peggy, a book of religious poems; Bob, a really nice chef's pan; Rob White, a plaid (surprise!) shirt; Anne, a table runner, etc. But we have to guess and it's a great window into a) what people want b) who people are. When you buy yourself something it's a great way to explain who you are to your family. It is ALWAYS a lot of fun, tonight was no exception.


Rob, Susie and Anne

Tomorrow night is "Dirty Santa". Everyone buys something under $15 (I splurged a little this year cause I found something I really liked), wraps it and after dinner tomorrow, we'll open them, orderly like. First person opens, then second. If the second person wants what the first person opened, they trade. You're only allowed to trade twice. It gets hilarious. Two years ago Bob Dylan's biography was the hottest ticket by far. Again, a great way to a) cut down on the number of gifts one must buy and b) see what people want.

Tomorrow morning is Santa's arrival with my immediate family, including my aunt Susan (for whom I am named). Then to Wildwood, which is my dad's brother's familys' lake place in Hayward. Then back here til Tuesday when I go to the dentist-back to the cabin Thurs through Sunday and down to Minneapolis for New Year's (probably, have to see what my brother wants to do).

Now, I'm listening to David Bryne, about to go to sleep on the couch upstairs (I was supposed to sleep downstairs but it's cold and I'm afraid of the mice that might be down there-so so lame). Being on the couch affords me a sleeping partner, though, who I don't get anywhere else. Orion. He's stretched across the Wisconsin winter sky, and there's nothing like stars. Especially the ones I've grown up with.

It all makes me think: today was such a great day. One of my most enjoyable family gatherings in years, it feels like. I connected with the kids in a way I haven't before, got to talk to some of my cousins who I haven't in a while...I know I have a home to come back to in Minnesota and as time goes on, I have a harder time thinking I may not come back. I love it here and I love my people here-I love my people everywhere, but my family here is so great.


Sophia "doing" my hair. Sophia is ten and in the fifth grade. One of the most fashionable ten year olds I know! She informed me my hair is "impossible to work with" and that I'm a "very bad client" because I wouldn't stop moving or stop talking! She's awesome.

The things it makes me think about: love, decisions I have to make and how I'm going to make them, the stars, the packed white snow. It makes me think of Ryan Robinson, Tom Johnstone. It makes me think of my grandfather; it makes me hope for better things for the world; the best things for my friends. It makes me remember how much I love living and how much I appreciate the blessings the universe has so so graciously showered me with. I feel so fortunate to feel such joy and fulfillment in my life.

I hope that your holy days are amazing, filled with family and provide room for you to relax, reflect and nurture yourself and the loves of your lives.

Happy Happy, Merry Merry.

And remember, Jesus is not the reason for the season ;)

There's Something In The Air

I quit my job.

Things went down:
The past few weeks: I realized something was missing from this job
Monday: Went to a Planned Parenthood training on talking about abortion and the like. Was inspired.
Wednesday: Talked a lot with friends who encouraged my recent inspiration
Thursday: Put in notice; gave a month
Friday: Gave me an offer I could only refuse. Packed stuff, left work around 6:30.

This feels good. It's a little scary and surprising, but I had to do this for myself and my spirit. It's one of those things that I suspect each of you knows about: When you figure something life changing out, it's nearly impossible to wait around for a "good time" to do said action. It had to come out of my mouth. I couldn't hold it in, nor could I fake it. I'm not a good faker. If I was, I'd be an actress.

The offer they gave me for the next two weeks of work (which would consist of miserable NYE party ticket sales) would actually COST ME MORE than going to MN/WI for the holidays.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20). You have all the ingredients to invent a recipe for the lifestyle you've always wanted. So get cooking -- your life is calling. Sagittarius and Scorpio people are ideal kitchen assistants.

More later, bed now. xoxo